Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?