Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

he was correct

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!