Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Only you can prevent podcasts

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.