Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Simple enough.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.