Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You Might Also Like
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
no such thing as a dumb question
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Today I’m going to give it my almost