Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Life cycle of cat
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?