Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.


[meeting a couple at dog park]
GF: He’s usually not like this
[pulls me aside]
GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people


I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!


Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.


Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons


ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k


BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”


If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.