Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.