“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
What an awful time to have common sense.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex