“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.