“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
i really liked this one
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”