Only a mother’s love …
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.