Only a mother’s love …
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.