Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.