Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
