Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Gas station lines at 2 am:
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks