Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.