Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
