Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.