Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.