Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Yup.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
What number SPF blocks people?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.