Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Home is where your toilet is.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.