Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
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🤣😂🤣😂
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
unbelievably distressed by this ad
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil