Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Ah..makes sense now
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Wednesday
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices