Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet