Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Covid like

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break