only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.