only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]