Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

This is me 🤣🤣

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something