Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*