only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.