Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.