Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?