Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.