Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

So inspired right now.