<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
airing out the snack pack
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.