Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Des Moines Police having a normal one

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name