Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.