Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

*orders delivery*

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?