Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing