Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Cow it started Cow it’s going

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜