Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
😭😭
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight![]()
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
my name if I was in the mob
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.