Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.