Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?