When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
You Might Also Like
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.