@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

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@TheBoydP

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@rad_milk

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

@CooIStepDad

[running from cop]

*cop catches me*

“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”

*pulls jellyfish from pocket*

“Look they were all out of tazers”

@thedad

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

@Shenaniglenns

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

@KentWGraham

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.