Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[running from cop]
*cop catches me*
“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”
*pulls jellyfish from pocket*
“Look they were all out of tazers”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Judge: your word is tennis
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.