@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

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@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

@MarfSalvador

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@YNB

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

@HeSlimedMeRay

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

@salamingia

A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.

@citizenkawala

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.