Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan