Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot