Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite