@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

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@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@BunAndLeggings

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@moooooog35

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

@McGrumpenstein

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

@DebHawk12

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.