A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.