Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.


Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.


“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere


*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold


Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.


The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad


I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.


If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.


“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.