Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.
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Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.