Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

You Might Also Like


Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.


Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours


*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]


The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.


[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby


tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf


Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.


“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.