@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

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@1Happytwit

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

@momtribevibe

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

@colesprouse

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@IamJackBoot

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.