The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick