Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.