Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
bros in the example zone 😭
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …