ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
You Might Also Like
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.