only kind of dinner drama i approve of
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
no exceptions
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That鈥檚 not the entire expression?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If Pok茅mon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We鈥檒l just take it bidet by bidet.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 馃憦For 馃憦Help 馃憦
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you鈥檙e cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Person: I鈥檓 a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn鈥檛 that hard to spell.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT