only kind of dinner drama i approve of
You Might Also Like
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.