only kind of dinner drama i approve of
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I cannot call her anything else now
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.