only kind of dinner drama i approve of
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*