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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.