Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters