Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.