Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers