Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You Might Also Like
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Unmatched
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.