Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!