Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.


Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?


There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon


I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.


Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.


[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy


A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet