[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
You Might Also Like
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more