Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain


If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.


#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.


Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.


“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”



It’s inflation

“I hate you”


[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.


No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema


The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat