Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.