[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Oh yeah that’s it
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.