@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’

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@TheOneTrueDisco

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@envydatropic

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

@jonnysun

GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we’ll let u go
BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

@TweetsByKaylee

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@CaniacMONK

“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car