Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’
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everyone’s anti-godzilla until there’s a 200,000 ton boat that can’t be moved
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
Ignore all the hissing and growling coming from my room
I’ve decided it’s cuddle time whether my cat likes it or not.
Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”