@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’

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@CatsVsHumanity

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

@eeberquist

everyone’s anti-godzilla until there’s a 200,000 ton boat that can’t be moved

@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@ch000ch

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

@fuzzlime

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

@ibid78

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

@noog

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.

@noneofyours99

Ignore all the hissing and growling coming from my room

I’ve decided it’s cuddle time whether my cat likes it or not.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”