Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Banana is the quietest snack
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan