Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.