Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards