“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
You Might Also Like
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Mike is short for Micycle
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Why am I like this?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.