Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

knights of the ikea table

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Sticker placement is key.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”