Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.