Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.


Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.


Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”


The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.


My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.


[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?