Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”