Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
You Might Also Like
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
As the Lord intended
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”