Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
😭😭
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Printer ink is expensive
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.