Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do