Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

my retirement plan is braless

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.