*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
