*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.